So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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