if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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