I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
