I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
