i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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