youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize