I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
