Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
