i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize