I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
