True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
