which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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