fuck your aforementioned shoe
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
