WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
