Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
