Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize