Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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