Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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