I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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