dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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