omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
