Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
