so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
