I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
