My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
