i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
