Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
