just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
