just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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