Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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