I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize