New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
