Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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