I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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