I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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