I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Drunk is a universal language darling
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
