I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
