Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
