you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
