unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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