just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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