This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
