i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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