We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize