My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
