My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
