when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
