My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
