My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
