Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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