this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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