My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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