Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
